A Poem (yes I still write them)

To the Straight™ People I Know

When your friend says something offensive
Then offers the insincere half-assed apology
That is the song of your people –
Do not accept it for me
as if your Straight™ feelings could be hurt.

You are not offended for me.
You do not understand my pain.
You do not feel the cut that digs into my soul
and drags my feet from under me,
breath stolen as I am reminded
for the 20th time today
That I am the Other, the Unwanted,
the Victim of my own birth
who you choose to ignore
Or praise or love or belittle
or Allow to Exist.

You do not accept the apology meant for me
with tears and forgiveness.
You.
Do Nothing.
At All.

I alone am the judge, the jury,
the executioner,
of my hurt, my trauma,
my offense.
And you do not speak for me

NaNoWriMo 2016

So in an unexpected twist, I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Now for those of you who don’t know, this stands for National Novel Writing Month – November, to be precise.

What this means is that I’m attempting to write a novel in a month. 50,000 words in 30 days, which is roughly 1667 words per day.

Why am I doing this when I have about 100 other things I could be doing instead for school, work, etc?

Well, because I want to. Some people know this about me, others182 don’t, but I don’t just love to write literature papers. I have always loved creative writing. I even used to average about one novel draft per summer when I was younger and the depression wasn’t so bad. Lately I’ve been writing a lot more poetry than I ever have before, but I’ve missed my novels.

With how, relatively speaking, good of a handle I’ve had on my mental illness stuff lately, I thought that now would be a good time to try and get back into it. So far, it feels really good. Yeah, it’s only been 4 days – but I’m on track, (a little ahead actually) with my word count, I’m enjoying what I’m writing, and it’s actually giving me a really nice break from stress so far.

If you’re doing NaNo and would like to be my friend on the website, here is a link to my profile and I figured I would give y’all a weekly, maybe bi-weekly, update on my word counts:

One: 1824 words

Two: 1932 words

Three: 1683 words

Four: (so far) 2023 words (!!)

Total: 7464 words

Altogether this is the most I’ve written in quite awhile so while it may not seem like much to some, I’m really proud of myself for keeping with it so far. Honestly, the beginning and figuring out the start of the plot is always one of the hardest parts. But I’m pushing through and that’s what matters!

Are any of you trying NaNoWriMo? First time or have you done it before?

-Julie

New Feeling

7.14.16

I want to wrap myself
into you, around you
so that when yo
breathe I feel my
heart pump the
oxygen for it.

I want to dive into
your existence and
discover every aspect
you have to offer and
what you will open up
for me.
I want to know
your scars
and the stories
(tears, laughter, people)
that go with them;
how you became you.
I want to see
how you laugh, cry,
and smile sleepily
just waking up
and how you are
with the ones you love.
I want to ask
you every question
in the universe
because you are
the celestial object about which
I crave to know more.
I want to feel
this new feeling
until we are comfortable
in an old one where
we know and we trust
and we love.

I am a Tree

1.26.16 – I love nature imagery.   i am a tree. i have deep roots, a solid trunk, and many branches. I have flowers and leaves mid-bloom. I am beautiful. I am sacred. I am dangerous. I have thorns. Climb me and fall. I am a tree. I am of the Earth and of balance, […]

home & safety

Written 4.16.16 – when I was going through an especially rough pre-finals rough patch. I have not been home since December. Because home is not a place. Home is a person, a feeling, Home is safety.   I have not been safe since December Because I cannot create safety Within the rotting walls I live. […]

ghost

This was written on 3.22.16. I don’t always feel invisible, but when I do – it’s suffocating. i am a ghost haunting you screaming & shouting & begging you to hear me as you walk on by.   “can’t you see me?” i cry because one look just one look please look at me please […]

A Letter to 9th Grade Me

  Dear 9th Grade Julie (and everyone else reading this), Life really sucks right now, doesn’t it? And I know it feels like you don’t have any friends. I promise you do, (Kaitlin and Tessa and Clare, to name a few) but I’m sorry to say, that feeling won’t go away. You just had your first […]

2.20.16

this was written in fragments but culminated on this day and remains untitled. i’m good for the environment. i am starting to recycle the things that you touched and looked at with things that are new;   things that part of me wants you to know – but you never will.

BPD

(a poem written on 3.9.16 after my discovery/diagnosis)

a diagnosis

is not a

death sentence.

 

it is a

sign that says

DANGER! KEEP OUT!

(in shocking red letters)

 

if you come here

you are walking on

t h i n  i c e.

 

a diagnosis is

a breath of fresh air

for 2.5 seconds before

the questions come.

 

“what does this mean?

“but did you talk to a real doctor?”

“how can you be sure?”

“maybe you’re overreacting?”

“so does this mean you’re crazy?”

 

sure. I’ll be crazy

if it makes you feel better.

because why should

MY DIAGNOSIS

be about me

when everything and nothing

has been

before.

 

welcome to my

(now justifiable)

disorganized and irrational

mess of a mind,

(excuse the chaos)

where we go from

love to hate

in 2 minutes flat

literally

as we

s p l i t.

unnecessary quiet

(written: 3.8.16 in response to a lengthy discussion/revelation in therapy)

it is amazing

how

when one is quiet

and everyone’s words

swirl around them

one realizes how

unnecessary

their presence

truly is

to these people

around youthem.

 

everyone talking

around

and no one talking

to. because

one’s presence is

unnecessary to

t h e m

as necessary as

they are to

youone.

 

i ask:

how does one break this?